Soliloquy

I've waited a quarter of a lifetime
for something I may never find.
So why this senseless certainty
that somewhere out in the universe
you've been designed
with me in mind?
.
I imagine your arms around my body,
and your hands brushing past my heart.
In my mind is the wet, sweet sound
that your lips will make near my ear when they part
to whisper three words:
"I am here."
.
But where are you?
Where are you?
What kind of world creates a question there's no answer to?
.
I could write you a million songs
for something I may never feel.
Could something so unattainable,
elusive and dangerous be worth the ordeal,
or even real?
.
I imagine your arms around my body
and your eyes washing me like rain.
Under my hands your untouched silhouette
draws itself in water, ink, and stain
to write out three words:
"I am here."
.
But where are you?
Where are you?
What kind of world creates a question there's no answer to?
.
In my mind, I breathe you in.
In my lungs I know each inch of your skin.
Won't you find me now and let it begin?
.
Let what begin?
My life?
I have a life.
My happiness?
I'm happy....ish.
My genuine authentic self?
Bullshit.
.
There's something to be said for
knowing who you are when you're alone.
So many people don't.
And who's to say a life with him,
whoever he may be is better,
than the one I'm living,
and I'll keep living either way.
I'd rather just have nothing
than have something that means nothing
just to have it and to say I did.
So if I just keep swimming,
keep on living keep surviving,
I'll be ok...
.
Cause I've made it this far,
and I've lasted this long,
and I've learned to be
unattractively
empowered and strong.
See, I kill my own spiders.
The remote is mine alone.
And I know if I try
I'll get by on my own.
What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.
And I've made it this far...
I can last a little longer.
.
I can last through the lightning,
through the pain and the flood,
watch me dance, watch me laugh,
watch me bleed.
.
Oh, I'll make it if I have to,
and though I'd love to find someone to love,
I know there's nothing more I really need.
.
Cause I've made it this far,
and I've last this long,
and I've learned to be
amazingly
empowered and strong.
Man, I kill my own dragons,
and my life is my own,
and I'll do more than try,
I can fly on my own.
What doesn't kill me makes me beautiful and stronger!
And I've made it this far...
.
I can last a little longer....